Clean Funny Quotes

Here's a page full of clean and amusing funny words and sayings, sure to make you smile!

A little quip can lighten the day, be enlightening, or inspire someone. Everyone should have a few quotes posted in their home and place of work. We can all use a laugh on social media, too. How about sharing a bit of cheer today?

Laughter is an instant vacation. - Milton Berle

* Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ~ Don Marquis

* Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ~ Jim Carrey

* A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ~ Groucho Marx

* A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. ~ Yogi Berra

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~ Arthur McBride Bloch

* "One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop." ~ G. Weilacher

* All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~ Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe (performed by Lily Tomlin)

* All generalizations are bad. ~ R.H. Grenier

* Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~ George Ade

* A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. ~Jerry Seinfeld

* The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~ Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

* Today is the last day of some of your life. ~ Author Unknown

* Without geography, you're nowhere. ~ Author Unknown

* Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. ~ Peter Ustinov

• Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb
• There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship. ~Author Unknown
• A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked. ~Author Unknown
• We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn't matter. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
• It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’ ~A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)